A response to my 15 year old self

A Response to My 15 Year Old Self

I found your letter as I was excavating my childhood room so Mom and Dad could finally sell the house. Under the stacks of old homework and half-started diaries was an envelope you put your worries, dreams, and thoughts in seven years ago and hoped one day you remembered to open it. I now hope one day, seven years from now, I will find this letter.

I wish I could tell you that you will become okay with changes in your life plan, but that is something I still struggle with. Don’t get me wrong, your life changes rapidly and it often turns out for the best, but you will still get the cold sweat and pounding heart each time. You wrote to me that your goal was to become a pastry chef, but you were too scared to tell our parents. You didn’t want them to think their straight A daughter was not living up to her full potential. Take a breath, because after you told them, they were (surprised) but also beyond excited. The real shock to their system was when you announced you were going to take a year off before college to live in Israel, but they supported you then, too. Now, your goal has changed once more and you were anxious to tell people, but again your support system was stronger than you imagined and they continue to be the net underneath you to catch you and bounce you back up.

You wrote to me about your friends, and told me to give them a call if I hadn’t spoken to them recently. You told me about your new friend, Katie, who quickly became one of your closest confidants, and how much you admire her and turn to her for advice. I don’t know how else to tell you, but Katie passed away and I wish more than anything I can go back in time to when you wrote this letter so I can call her. Please, don’t be scared. You are stronger than you think and your heart may not feel ready to handle the heartbreak it will be given at too young of an age, but it is. You will feel like your heart went through a paper shredder, and you will need to get on your knees and start the slow and seemingly impossible work of taping the pieces back together. You can do it. You are doing it. Just when you finally get the pieces to start to fit back together, you will be hit with more heartbreak. You shouldn’t have to learn so much about grief so young, but you cannot control what life gives you. Focus on what you can control, like how amazing it is you even had a friend like Katie. You will learn to appreciate every conversation you have with those you love. You will learn not to take a single moment for granted. You will learn that even the pain is something to be thankful for.

Your life will feel like it’s completely derailed more than once, your plans will change and you will adapt. The five year plan you described isn’t what I want anymore, and that’s okay. The five year plan I have for myself now will probably change numerous times as well. We are young. We are learning. We are growing. If we can embrace the unknown and keep pouring gratitude into our hearts, I know that we will be on the right path.

(P.S. The boy you describe in excruciating and hilarious detail about having a crush since you were seven? He is now your boyfriend of almost four years.)